dec

These past few days have been quite a mess for me..
I've been very stressful and disturbed, at home.
I feel trapped.
the only time I feel happy is when I play with the kittens, when it's night time because that is when I'm 'okay' to go out, and whenever I talk with Syafiq. I really wish he's right here with me..
Long holiday is boring, unless if I have my own car license
I cant wait to start studying..I'm applying for architectural studies in UIA (I'd never thought of applying architecture honestly), and art & design in UiTM.. I still need to finish off my personal statement, and then that's me!

back in JB

Today I cycled around my area with my antique bicycle..Suddenly I remembered my childhood memories where I played around with my friends and sometimes we cycled together to the playground. Today the 'fun' feeling re-appeared inside me, except today I was cycling alone, not with them.
sigh..rasa mcm nak jd budak 12tahun balik, nak main2 kat luar..

I met Chitam's kittens for the first time..but they looked dirty and not very healthy. I played with one of her kittens that resembles her the most- hitam legam. The kitten is a male and very playful.

hurm..another blog?

Shall I create a new blog for my artworks?
Then I am positive that as soon as it's created, it is going to get abandoned by the owner since she's going to be really lazy to update it.

If you're happy, I'm happy..
If you smile, I smile..
If you're sad, I'm sad..
If you cry, I cry along with you..

What you feel inside, I can feel it too.

"

Now I've remembered so many things that I had forgotten over the years.

Updates.

I am still waiting for at least a call from UK. Ibu called me twice this afternoon, but I didn't notice. Ish. I have something to talk to her.

I am in Putrajaya, busu is moving to Bukit Jalil and I am helping her out.

I had a really good time in KUIS although I got pissed with the pak guard and some of the college rules. I followed Jiha to her kelas bahasa arab and kelas Bahasa Melayu. Felt like I was back in Sekolah Menengah. haha. People said I was totally like a KUIS student because I attend classes, I go to the bazaar, I walk terkedek2 turun bawah basuh baju with a baldi in my hand. Jiha, Badariah (aka Bad), and Atiqah were really good to me. I owe them a really big 'thank you'. They said they wanna come to JB to visit me, and theyr asking me to make a cheesecake.

I'm sleepy.zzz

I miss Glasgow

I miss Glasgow, I miss the 70pence hot chocolate I used to buy every time in college, I miss their cheese pasta bake, I miss First Bus I used to get on them everyday and they'd take me wherever I wanted to go, I miss my winter boots I would be wearing them now if I were in Glasgow, I miss the pakistani groceries shops in Allison Street, I miss to listen to the Scottish people speaking in their accent especially the Glaswegian, I miss to watch the junkies everywhere, I miss to walk on the slippery frosty roads, I miss Asda, I miss Daisy Street, I miss home..

I need time get used to here..both Glasgow and Malaysia are very different, but they're both homes.

++++++ p/s
my new hobby: sapu rumah
new fav colour: purple
new lesson: how to make kerabu sotong n tomyam cool style- taught by wakman.

Isnin

- Harini 1st time tengok cerita Ali Baba. Seronok rupanya. Kesian Kassim Baba kena pancung, dan baru tau scene apek tutup mata dan perempuan tu (Sarimah kot) menyanyi2 bawa apek ke rumah, sama dengan persembahan Siti Nurhaliza dan Saiful Apek dulu. Tapi sayang tengok tak habis. Nanti kena tengok lagi.

- Aku dah tak dapat tahan bengang dengan lalat2 yg datang hinggap di makanan kami. Rasa marah sangat macam nak bunuh aje lalat2 tu. Tp taktau macam mana nak bunuh. Annoying lalat. Benci lalat. Boycott lalat. Say NO to lalat. Hishh geram! Satu lagi 'semut'. Ini pun boleh tahan annoying jugak.

- 1/2 perabot2 rumah dah dibuka dari kotak. Tapi rumah masih dalam keadaan lintang pukang.

- Rasa terkongkong di rumah memang sangat membosankan, sebab susah nak pergi merayau. Public transport susah nak dapat. Embah tak kasi keluar. Lesen takde. Kalau lah ada lesen dan kereta...ehemm ehem...

emotional disorders

Mood swing- I'm in this condition. I can laugh and tell jokes , then the next minute I can be sad or moody or depressed. I so hate this feeling. I only need one thing to make myself stable.

Trying to get used to Malaysia again

I am now back in Skudai, honestly I've forgotten what it was like to live in this house. It's like I am living in a new place..now I am trying to get comfortable here and I still haven't finished exploring around. This 'Taman Pulai Utama' is such a mess, it's different from the original Taman Pulai Utama I knew a few years ago. It is now dirty, litters are everywhere, lalang also everywhere, not pretty like it used to be. I wonder what to do to make it nice and clean like it was before?

I didn't have enough sleep. I slept at around 3am, and I woke up before 6am, just like a wee nap. I bet I am going to be like a zombie after 12 o'clock.

I thought of eating cereal this morning, but then I remembered there was no fresh milk in the fridge. no more fresh milk for me everyday, not like I used to have. That's a bit disappointing. I haven't had powdered milk for years, so now Id have to learn to drink powdered milk again. So instead of eating cereal, I ate nasi lemak that abg bought. The sambal was so pedas, dah lama tak rasa pedas mcm tu. I loved it!

I was very happy to meet Syafiq at the airport. You know how I missed him so much, and last Wednesday, I got to see him in front of me, and watched him playing with Aisyah and Imran, eating, ordering food, talking, walking, smiling..I loved every single second while he was there. I was so happy I smiled at everyone who walked past me at the airport. Haha I'm so funny eh. I can't wait to see him again. Say all the best for his coming final exams! I wish for his success and may he achieve all the good grades. Amin.

My early days

I love looking over my old small drawings and resources. They bring back memories. I still remember my first day in Mr Coyle's class, it was April 2005, I was in 3rd year. I sat on my seat while watching other people doing their works, the room was full of drawings and paintings on the wall. I was extremely amazed by the quality of their works and I wish I was as good as them. One girl came to me, and she asked me "Can you draw like those?" and I said, "No, I've never done portraiture before" She kinda smirked at me, and I felt very low. But I smiled back at her, I was being very polite to everyone. She was Sonam, we became friends after that altho she smirked when we first met.

I still remember how excited I was when I was given my first task to draw a portrait. It was hard though, because Mr Coyle only said to me, 'draw exactly like in the picture' It was a picture of Stanley Spencer. He didn't give me any guide or tips or anything. He just gave me a picture, a paper, and a pencil and told me to copy it. And I worked really hard to draw it nicely. When I handed in my finished drawing, he looked at it but he didn't say anything, I thought maybe he didn't like it. Then he gave me another picture of Stanley Spencer with colours. I did it in chalk pastels. I didn't even know how to use chalk pastels properly. Mr Coyle didn't teach me anything. So most of the time, I learn everything by myself, or by looking at other people and how they did it. It was hard the first few weeks, but I had a good time and enjoyed doing my works.

I lost most of my drawings from 2005, I only have 2 or 3 left with me. Maybe they were thrown away by the school after summer break. I wish I had them with me, coz they're all memories of my early works before I got serious into arts.

When I met Mr Coyle last Friday, he said to me, 'I wish you were in 3rd year again'

untitled

Someone told me, experience is the best thing. It's the best teacher in your life. I agree with her. Sometimes just by watching other people is enough to teach me something.

This year, I've learned so many things. About improving myself, about friends, about love, about relationship with other people, about family, and about how hard it is to start moving further in life.

I am nearly 19. And when I reach 19, I want to remain 19 and don't want to get any older. 19 sounds really sweet. My mum got engaged with ayah when she was 19. Can you believe that?! I believe she was a matured girl when she was about my age. But me? I think I am nowhere near her.

I talked to some people today, and one of them said to me, 'of course we want the best for our lives, but things dont always go our way, and we have to accept that'. She was right. I am thankful with no matter what I have now.

Only a few days left before I leave for Malaysia. I have things planned in my head..I really can't wait! I'm counting days..tik tok tik tok..

Before I go

Things to do before I go back to Malaysia;

- Buy a rose fragrance (I really really really want this one.)
- Eat donner kebab, samosas, pastries, chips with cheese.
- Buy a new watch. It doesnt have to be expensive. I just would like to have one.
- Get Aero Mint and Doritos for Syafiq.
- Rent a car and go to the highlands (need to discuss for this one)
- Visit Kelvingrove Art Gallery and make sure I tour around the paintings area- complete.
- Send my paintings to Ian Watson.
- Go and see Mr Coyle, Mrs Mack and Mrs Wilson before I go.
- Oh I still haven't finished a portrait commission. aaahh!
- Sell my self-portrait to Mrs Mack. She has been waiting for me to sell it for 1 year!
- Teach ayah how to make any easy cooking dishes, probably telur dadar,or chicken soup. In case if someday he'll need to cook for himself.
- Teach Raihan any harder cooking dishes. She'll need to cook for ayah everyday after I'm gone.
- I wonder if I should get a HPV injection from my doctor?

Wah so many things to do! I only have about 2 weeks left in Glasgow. My ticket has been booked on the 27th Oct. Very soon eh. I am so excited to go back to Malaysia! But I feel kinda sad to leave Glasgow.. I feel like Glasgow is my home as well. I'm not sure whether I'll ever be here again. But when I think that someone is waiting for me in Malaysia, that really makes me happy and excited. It's like a dream. cant wait! :)

Malaysia here I come again!

Leona Lewis

I love Leona Lewis. I remember watching her final performance on the X-Factor back in 2006.





Her final performance- A Moment Like This (I saw her dress in House of Frasers in town just a few days after she won the competition. I was extremely surprised!)

pening. pening. pening.

I am having a very big headache today

1st headache- College. I had just been told that I had been drifting away from my 1st sketchbook topic, and I was told to do new drawings at least 2 pages per day, plus a few developmental drawing pieces.aduhh..

my 2nd headache- I don't think I am strong enough to take over ibu's job at home. I need her..warghhh..It's not that I'm not strong enough, I just dunno what to do to satisfy ayah. Never thought it would be this hard.
and Raihan..she.. selagi tak disuruh, selagi tu dia tak buat. I asked her, 'dont you have any sense of responsibilities in this house?' and she said, 'not really'. adoi pening nye. pening. pening. pening.

I am so glad that I have a blog, at least I can write anything that I'm unhappy of here. Thank YOU!

Now I dunno what to cook for tonight, or whether I have to?

p/s I had just told raihan to make ayam goreng, coz my head is still feeling heavy, plus the very cold weather. I need some rest.

My updates

- My hair has grown long, and I will not cut them, i'll let them grow.
- My legs and hips are getting back to their normal shape like they were before I went back to Malaysia (where I got fat).
- I'm taking over ibu's job at home, I cook for my family everyday, I need to memorise what to buy from the shops- the clothing conditioner, cooking oil, vegetables, chicken meat, milk etc, I need to do the cleaning and laundry. I feel like a mum now.haha.
- I need to do lots and lots of paintings. I'm also thinking about selling all my folio artworks, or do a solo exhibition under Fostering Art so that I can sell my paintings. I need to get my own money. I cant rely on ayah 100% now.
- I miss ibu..I wonder how's she living alone in that house?
- I really miss Syafiq..I'm dying to see him..

It is you I have loved all along

It's no more mystery
It is finally clear to me
You're the home my heart searched for so long
And it is you I have loved all along

Over and over
I'm filled with emotion
Your love, it rushes through my veins

And I am filled
With the sweetest devotion
As I, I look into your perfect face

demam

I caught a really bad cold yesterday. It was the worst cold I've ever had.
Last night, I lay on my bed from 12am to 4am- couldnt sleep.
I woke up and went to the kitchen and I ate nasi ayam.
and now, it's 5am..masih tak boleh tidur.

All about the people I love.

Ibu is a great woman. She's the greatest woman I've ever known and I haven't met anyone like her yet. She's different from other women as far as I can see, she's strong, she's good at many things- cooking, cleaning, decorating, studying, gardening, engineering, history, talking, socialising with people. She taught me a lot about 'life' and how to be a 'person'. Without her, maybe I'm not as good as I am now.

Ayah is a caring father. He cares about his family so much and he sacrifices a lot for his family. Although sometimes he's a bit garang, but now when I've grown up I realized that that what taught us to be a good 'human being'. Ayah also tak kedekut, if ibu refuses to give me money, I'd ask from ayah and sure he would give me plenty :)

Abang lagi tak kedekut. He likes to spend and spend and spend. He's more close to Raihan rather than me because they have the same interests like movies, kaki cinemas, gadgets, etc. He's also a nice person, very nice, very humble, and very patient. He resembles ibu's character a lot.

Raihan has been my sister as well as my best friend since she was born. We share a lot of things, and we had never had the chance to live in a separate room (that's why we have been really close kot). She knows almost everything about me which can cause problems sometimes. We argue often, but not for long. She's a little bit childish sometimes, she said to me once 'I dont wanna grow up. I wanna stay young'

The person I'm missing the most is my Syafiq. Whenever I hear his voice, whenever I see something that reminds me of him, whenever I think about him..I smile. Sometimes I cry too..sbb rindu. I feel safe and secure whenever I'm with him. He's the most perfect guy I've ever known, and I love everything about him. He had sacrificed a lot for me, his time, his part time job, his patience...but I know he did all these things because he loved me. If there's any chance, he will be the first person I want to meet. Syafiq has made my life so beautiful more than anyone else had, and I'm in love with him :)

Hanis is my friend since I was in darjah 5 and she was in darjah 6 at that time. We went to the same school (Sek Tmn Universiti 2), and she's my neighbour in Johor Bahru. We both have two different characters; she's a hot famous girl and every boy loves to get to know her, and I am more quiet and laid back and not many people notice me, she's daring and very fashionable. But we also have some things in common, we love cats, we love dresses, we love 'lovely-lace' and we have the same taste too. She's a nice friend, she's caring, and we had shared many things too. I miss her.

Akmal is another close friend of mine. I love talking stupid and nonsense and making fun of him. He used to be the person I'd tell everything to if I had problems or was heartbroken by my ex, so he knows a lot about me and Kamarul. He's a very nice friend, he's good at advising, and he's matured too. We used to go to the same secondary school, but were in different classes. It's a shame that we didn't get the chance to meet up when I was in Malaysia.

Mr Coyle is my favourite teacher ever. I used to be in his class for 3 years, and he was like a father to me in school. He's the coolest teacher I've ever had, and he really concerns about his students. He had supported and helped me a lot in everything, and without him, I wouldn't be as good artist as I am today. When I left school, he asked me to call him Kevin because he didn't like to be called Mr or Sir, and I said to him 'once youre my teacher, forever you'll be my teacher, that's how we respect teachers in Islam..and I'll call you Mr Coyle, I dont care if you like it or not' and then he called me Miss Omara (an Irish name which means God chosen people).

:)

I came across Siti Nurhaliza new poster album today, and I saw her picture above. The first thing that came into my mind was 'Wahh cantiknyaaa baju dia! nanti kahwin nak pakai baju mcm ni la'. And I mentioned about this 10 times already to ibu.

Btw autumn is here. And again, this is the 3rd time Raya Aidilfitri falls in autumn, and the fifth time I'm celebrating Raya in Glasgow. I wish everyone a very happy Eid Mubarak, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Maaf zahir dan batin.

my apple crumble

At first, I thought I wanted to do strawberry crumble for buka puasa, but unfortunately I couldnt find any strawberries from the shop, so I decided to do apple crumble instead. Here are some 'in the making of my crumble' photos (look from below to top, I accidentally uploaded it the wrong way round) ;

Done!

kerja menabur2

kerja menggaul2

kerja menggoreng2

melancholy

Some people in my past still make me disturbed and uncomfortable.
Just go away.

weekend

Ika slept over at my place last night. It was fun! We had a long conversation about some girls stuff until 2am. We talk and talk and talk. I listened a lot to her stories (but I told mine a little only lol). I was so tired coz I spent almost the whole day outside, carboot-ing, shopping asda with ibu, then we made kuih ketayap, then we rushed over to Toryglen Community Centre for buka puasa, some ceramah also, then after terawikh, we went over to kak arifah's place for more buka puasa event. aiyo..bukan badan saje penat, perut pun penat.
We got home at 12am. Had some chit chat with Ika until 2am, then ZzZzZz..pastu bangun sahur (aku cuma makan sekeping roti je sbb kenyang lagi makan banyak sangat malam tu), pastu tido balik lepas subuh..bangun lewat.
During the day, I taught Ika how to make kuih cornflakes. We had so much fun in the kitchen today, you know sometimes it's fun to have a friend with you in the kitchen.
Kuih cornflakes kitorang menjadi tp aku rasa mcm tahun lepas punya lagi sedap.

old picture

As I browse through my folders today, I suddenly found an old picture of me, kak shifa, kasffi and hamdan near tower bridge, london.. but there were not just us, ada lagi sorang yg nak bergambar jugak :)

can you find him? (click to enlarge)

Pesanan ibu

Semalam waktu tengah buka puasa ibu pesan,
'Nanti korang adik beradik, jangan cerita hal buruk antara satu sama lain. Jangan suka menyampai2 cerita. Kalau tak suka, cakap terus terang depan2. Kalau tak nanti adik beradik boleh berpecah belah.'

Harini ibu pesan,
'Jangan senang percaya cerita2 orang. Jangan suka mengumpat. Kalau tak suka dgn seseorang, jangan cerita hal buruk dia kat orang lain melainkan dgn keluarga sendiri (mcm ibu). Cerita kat kawan baik pun jangan'

2 lapis

stokin 2 lapis, sweater 2 lapis, seluar 2 lapis..
hidung pulak selsema..ini paling tension. arghh

tertido

Harini masa dalam bas nak balik rumah, aku mengantuk sgt..jet lag lagi..pastu tertido.
pastu tiba2 terjaga, tak tau aku kat mana, mcm kat area2 kampung je. org dalam bas yg tadi ramai, tinggal 2, 3 org je.
aku turun bas, tunggu bas yg patah balik..aku tgk sign board, kat Burby. Burby ni kat mana? aku pun taktau. tak penah dengar pun. Nasib baik bas pass aku ni boleh guna kat Burby.
Lepastu masa patah balik, aku tunggu bila la nak sampai..jauhnye..
Lama gile la aku tido tadi smpai boleh terlajak jauh. mmg tido mati, tak sedar apa2.

Back in Glasgow

Okay just a quick update.
I am now back in Glasgow. Gloomy Glasgow. It rains all the time.
Thankfully, we had no problem at the airport..But I was a bit worried coz I didnt know that I should bring my offer letter with me until I saw Rasika (my new friend from Thailand that I met on the plane) took out her offer letter from her bag to show it as a prove that she's a student to the immigration officer. Luckily, the officer that we had was a Pakistani lady, not a Scottish. If it was a Scottish, gerenti dia tak kasi lepas sampai dia nampak offer letter tu. Phew!

Me and abg were not fasting since we were travelling for a very long time (aduh, banyak hari la kena ganti puasa nnt). We bought some burgers from McD in Dubai, but I haven't ate it till now..I'm gonna have it tonight.It's a chicken burger.

Today I went to college to register and see Linda (she told me to wait outside, and I sat there for 1 hour until she came). She gave me my timetable (My classes are on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays only. weee!). Then she brought me to fill in my enrolement form. Then she told me to see Jennifer at Hatfield campus (aku da malas bila dengar kena pegi Hatfield) to discuss about fees payment. OK lepastu aku pegi Hatfield, jalan kaki sampai semput2 (sbb dah gemuk), naik bus dari bandar..blablabla..
I argued with Jennifer when she said I need to pay 5000pounds for the fees becoz I'm on a student visa. And I said, 'that's not fair, I've been staying here for nearly 5 years, and why am I not allowed to pay as a local student whilst last year I was allowed to?' Then she said, write to the college principal like I did last year about my condition and fees etc. kalau boleh dapat, dapat..kalau tak dpt, matila..

I met a Kazakhstan student at Hatfield. Jennifer introduced me to him. He asked me, 'are you 14? 17?' . I said, ' Im 19'. Mulut dia ternganga, he looked at me from head to toe. I said, 'I know I'm small' and then he laughed. He said 'I'm 19 too, but you're small, and I'm big. I even look like a grandfather.' He is big, 7 kaki ada kot. When I asked him about his fees, he said he only needs to pay 1000pounds, and he's only been here for 1 year something. Mana aci!

I miss Malaysia. I miss the hot weather. I miss Putrajaya. I miss Ampang. I miss kuih-kuih. I miss bazaar ramadhan. But above all, I miss him the most. Only now I know how it feels like to be lonely. I've never felt this way before. I need to keep myself busy (dah start busy pun, sbb dah ada assignment kena buat.Baru register dah ada kerja..and the due date is tomorrow!)

my likes and dislikes

- I like cheesecakes, especially if they have choc chip cookies or anything chocolate in it..same goes to ice creams

- I hate strawberry ice cream.

- I like taking walks...if the weather is right.

- I like travelling..I love it when I travel to college for 45mins, lama-lama pun takpe. because travelling is relaxing.

- I am a poor time-keeper. selalu lambat. hari-hari, setiap kali mesti lambat.

- I really hate plucking bean sprouts. Sangat-sangat malas kalau kena buat.

- I like 'Megasale' or 'Summer Sale' or 'Winter Sale' or 'Raya Sale'. I like Primark and Carboot Sale. I am so thankful that they exist.

- I hate it when I need to walk from the bus stop at Jalan Ampang to No4 Jalan Halaman 14. Rasa mcm nak pengsan setiap kali jalan masuk dalam.

- I like chakoi and kuih bom.

- I hate a cashier called 'MAN' who works at 'SNACKS' or 'SNAX' or however they spell it near KLCC.

- I hate 'orang tua gatal'.

- I like KL at night, sbb banyak lampu warna warni.
- I like Emirates' perfume and hand lotion that they put in their toilets.

boring tahap dewa

I'm lying on my bed, looking at the window..silau.sakit mata.

My tummy hurts, and my back hurts. sbb tgh meniarap.

I'm listening to Alif and Raihan chit chatting in the living room. I think they're playing video games. Oh yes, I just heard Raihan said 'tembak la!' and they're screaming like crazy.

Malam td aku beli Rainbow Peak and Chocolate Chip ice cream (both are from Paddlepop), rupanye chocolate chip lg sedap dari rainbow la..I shared them with Alif and Raihan..nanti sebelum balik uk nak beli choc chip lg.

I'd just surfed other blogs through my friends'..and I thought, how can I make myself rajin to update my blog from time to time like them? becoz usually I dont even know what to write about and my laziness is growing deeper and deeper everyday..arghhh

skrg ni pun..sbb dah bosan sgt stuck kat putrajaya, taktau nak buat apa, baru la nak update blog. ish.

Okay now i'm starting to get sleepy, becoz i only slept like 3 hrs last night, and i didnt go back to sleep after sahur..skrg mengantuk.

nak tido pulak.

btw, i only have 2 days left in Malaysia. Then I'll be leaving for Glasgow. Ish. Malasnye nak start kelas balik.

Putrajaya

I like Putrajaya, it's not congested, nice architectural buildings, nice designs..

but theres no public transport apart from the buses, so it's hard to travel around..

i'm stuck in Putrajaya now.crap.

leaving soon

Only a few days left..
I'm gonna miss this place..

Visa dah clear..kalu org lain mesti happy, but not for me..

I aimed for a different route, but I got a different one..maybe this is whats best for me..

Now I realise..For so many times, I do something only to please someone, but I dont please myself. I keep on holding back from what I wanted to do.

Malaysia

sangat best!

Discovery

Today I discovered a few things:

- I have a weird front head. It looks like my front head is divided into two..and it's scary.
- I am good at facial-massaging (that's what raihan said) becoz my fingers are thin and small..but it also means that I'm no good at body-massaging since I dont have big strong fingers.
- I am a very lazy diary-writer
- I have a type of a 'gedik smile' based on what raihan said.

I Believe..

I believe that the sun shines after the rain
I believe if you don't get hurt you'll never gain
I believe in a second chance
I believe in a life long romance
I believe there is life after death
I believe that dreams do come true
I believe there's destiny for me and you
I believe everyone has one true love
I believe something good comes from something bad
I believe that for tears of happiness there are tears of sad
I believe the good you do will be rewarded well
I believe sometimes there is no explanation
I believe money can't buy people's affection
I believe you don't know what you've got until it's gone
I believe a new day arrives with every dawn
I believe a smile can be contagious
I believe in being very outrageous
I believe in living with no regrets
I believe that life is as good as it gets
I believe that what comes first is family
I believe we should all live in harmony
I believe that to learn you have to live
I believe that to love someone you have to give
I believe one moment can change your life
I believe everyone has one true friend
I believe love helps a broken heart mend
I believe in the power of a song
I believe living is the best experience
I believe it’s hard to watch a lover leave
And when they’re gone all you can do is breath
I believe to always look on the bright side
I believe that life is just one big ride.

freedom of choice

Well...if ever someone has asked you a question:
If there is a GOD, why are there still war and terror and hurt and pain in this world??

You just answer them GOD has given us the greatest responsibility which is "the freedom of choice" and if ever they think about this....never ever would they think about such a question.

...

you always say you hate to see me hurt, and you hate to see me cry..
but all these while that you hurt me, did you close your eyes?
I made a choice to finally let go, because i cant stand the pain..
it's time for my last tear to fall and smile again

If I were a Boy...

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

titik noktah

I'm fed-up
I'm annoyed
I'm sick
I've had enough
please no more.

I'm sorry.
I want to be on my own.

schedule

Thursday (14/5/09) - Went to Manchester for Malay reading exam
Saturday (16/5/09) - Went to Dundee to hand in my folio again
Tuesday (19/5/09) - Went to Manchester again for Malay essay exam
Saturday (23/5/09) - Going to Dundee againnn to pick up my folio, and dikir barat rehearsal on the same day
Wednesday (27/5/09) - 1 year already
Saturday (30/5/09) - Malaysian Festival is on
Sunday (31/5/09) - Going to Isle of Skye for 2 days

so many things are going on..happening yet tirering..

what does my birthday mean? (I think this one is totally true)

At first glance, people think you are quiet type of person. Actually you are cheerful, but conditionally. You will show your joyful character only in good mood. One the other hand, when you are moody, no one would dare to be around. Because of your emotion fluctuation and frank character, some find you hard to be around. Your Love, You hardly show your feeling towards opposite sex no matter how much you like him/her. Your partner also has similar character so your love affairs often take quite a while to flourish. Time tells it all. Your sincerity makes you very attractive.

Strengths: Strong will, outstanding courage and self-confidence. They are excellent leaders as long as they do not over task their followers.

Weaknesses: Obstinate and intolerant.

Best Job: Financial work. (except for this one..I really hate finance)

Last moment with my portfolio

dalam beg besar tu, folio aku..dalam beg kecik tu, sketchbook2 aku

Nampak gambar atas ni? 1st time aku upload gambar kat blogger ni. haha..Dua beg kat atas ni akan dihantar ke University of Dundee esok pagi (sebenarnya aku tak pasti boleh ke hantar dua beg, tak pasal2 kang beg kecik tu kena campak kt tepi parit)
Esok pagi pukul 7am (seperti yg dirancangkan) aku bertolak ke Dundee Uni (yg aku risau2 kan selama ni)..
Terima kasih kepada ayah yg sanggup drive hantar aku gi Dundee sana (2 jam dari Glasgow).
Tapi yg merunsingkan aku sekarang, saiz lukisan2 aku over-sized dari beg portfolio, tak boleh zip..aku takut lukisan rosak atau hilang..ish no no no..

baru siap tampal menampal nama dan alamat

tengok tengok..begini la rupa beg portfolio aku esok..terlalu gemok dan besar..ada 31 keping board lukisan kat dalam.. berat gile! risau aku

opss ok..habis sudah sesi melihat gambar. masa untuk tidur..(perut kenyang, baru lepas makan roti 2 keping, rasa nak muntah pun ada haha) ok, nak gosok gigi, dan ZZzzzZ

I'm truely disappointed

Letting go of someone you care about is not easy...
it's the hardest and the least thing i could do..
i've always told myself, stay strong, be patient, jgn terlalu ikut perasaan, and think about good things instead of the bads..
but...my 'strength' alone is not enough, i need his support too, i need him to help me, otherwise I cant stay like this for long..
I wanted him to stay and help me..but things didnt go like wht i hoped for...I'm truely disappointed..


I cant write for long..I need time..

Did I Marry the Right Person?

This is a very good article. Those who are still single may learn something from here...
Those who are already married may take it as a guideline to improve your marriage & relationship ... (Taken from Jiwang Groups)

DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?"
I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?"
In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse / partner . You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies (unconventional behavior/habit).

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience.
You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... Because it's happening TO YOU .

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the imagery of that __expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU ..

Falling in love is easy . It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria (excitement) of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship . Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies , instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?"
And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else.
This is when marriages breakdown . People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious.
But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.
I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else.
You could.

And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love.. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the __expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy . And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships.
Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger.
It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable... you can "make"love ..

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling.

Remember this always :

"God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go."

cuti owhh cuti

aktiviti2 aku di waktu cuti:

- menghadap laptop
- makan
- tido
- masak kalu rajin
- kemas2 bilik
- menghadap laptop
- makan
- menghadap laptop
- makan


sangat menyihatkan utk tumbesaran lemak2 di badan bukan?
bosan gilerrr maaaa...nak keluar tp takde duit..isk3
lepas ni, aku aim nk blaja masak la..
buat cake ke, nasi beriyani ke, buat air soya ke, apa2 je laa..
janji, masak. sbb aku dh jarang2 masak banding dulu, nk kena upgrade skill.

ok. time to sleep. it's 2am..

list of exhibitions and collectors

Last night I had some thoughts
my number of exhibition is increasing from time to time
my painting collectors and buyers are also growing..
I'm afraid i'll forget some of them (I already have actually)
do I have to note them down in a diary?
actually, I should..but when? I've already forgotten some..
tonight, probably..I'll do it tonight.

Things coming up in April

2nd April : Exhibition; Holyrood Advanced Higher artworks
3rd April : Easter Break starts for 2 weeks, until the 19th.
17th or 18th April : I'm going to Dundee University to send away my portfolio (bbasya kina!)
20th April : I'm going to Manchester for Malay oral exam.


Today I received my unconditional offer letter for HND year 1 of Contemporary Art Practice at Anniesland College. Yipppeeeee!! :)

sabarr jeee laaaa

At the moment: i'm waiting for 'my energy' to fill up...so while waiting, i dunno wht to do..so i decided to write on my blog.

Today I know a few things;

- I'm becoming more patient when it comes into some parts, however i'm getting rougher and less patient in some other parts.
- My throat is injured inside. It's been a few days, but today it's worsen. I guess I can't eat and drink much after this.
- I guess now I understand how ibu feels like whenever ayah gets moody. I never understood this one before.
- Currently I'm addicted to Rock Legends. Thanx to the person who introduced me to tht game, now I spent hours on facebook which I never did before.
- Spring is here. It's my favourite season :)



current mood: bored
current location: as usual..in my room, beside my bed.
current thoughts: I'm a little worried about some stuff. I guess i'm always worried about something :\
current wants: I want my energy to fill up quickly. why is it taking ages? and urm, i want my usual wants.
current wish: i wish i have a car. i want to go out..it's sunny outside.
current secret: none. i have no secret..i just cant be bothered to tell everything.


p/s waaargghhhh my level 24 keyboardist is stoleennnnnnnn!!! i hatttteee thisss gamee!

kena marah

Harini aku bangun pukul 7. Alarm aku memekak pn aku wat taktau je.
Pastu kak nurul kejut, dia ckp 'tido mati ke'
then aku bangun, masuk bilik air, gosok gigi (lupa nk bwk berus gigi, so aku guna jari je haha)
pastu, aku kejut raihan yg masih ngorok atas katil. dia tak bangun2 jugak..
pastu aku biar je dia, aku g breakfast kat dapur..kak nurul dah siap breakfast.
kak nurul tanya nak mkn apa? roti ke cereal? tanpa segan silu aku ckp..nak dua2. haha
lepastu kami tinggal je raihan yg masih terbongkang atas katil..kami keluar gi carboot polmadie
jalan kaki je, tunggu bas lambat sgt (lgpun exercise pagi2 kn baik utk kesihatan)
kak nurul tanya penah tak bangun seawal ni time weekend..aku menipu sket, aku ckp 'ntah' (padahal tak penah pun haha)
harini kami 2 kali kena marah dgn org..1st, masa nak lintas jalan, kami picit button kt traffic light tu time kereta tak banyak, pastu driver yg kena berhenti tu jerit kat tingkap kereta dia 'woii, why'd yous push the button when the light is red! f**king idiots!'
tapi kami buat bodo je..tak pedulikan dia..
2nd plak, time tgh shopping kat carboot, kami gi 1 gerai ni,kak nurul tgk 1 cardigan, dia tnye seller tu brapa harga, org tu ckp '3pounds, it's brand new, the original price was 25pounds' then kak nurul tawar mintak 1.50, pastu org tu marah, dia ckp 'i told you the original price was 25, n you're asking for 1.50?? sakeeee' sambil menjeling n menggeleng2 kan kepala, kawan dia kt sebelah pun menyebok geleng2 jugak. ahh makcik tu kerek, kalau tak kasi tawar pun, takyah la nk marah2..pastu aku plak time tu tgh tgk barang2 dia yg lain, aku nampak 1 kasut warna hitam, aku ambik and try pakai (sebenarnya ni kali ke 2 aku visit gerai dia, masa mula2 pun aku try gak..tp kali ni nk try kali ke-2 sbb ingtkan nk beli) then kawan makcik yg menyebok tu ckp kt aku 'hey you should ask for a permission to try on that shoes, you put tht shoes on the ground and you'll ruin it and it'll get dirty. mind your manners, lady..you should ask for a permission before you try it' Warrgghhh bengang betol dgn makcik penyebok tu!! aku melawan balik, aku ckp, 'well, okay i'm sorry, but i've tried that on before, and that lady didnt say anything, and now suddenly you're here telling me about permissions. why are u being so *&%#@!!'
then aku dgn kak nurul blah...tak jd nak beli barang makcik2 tu. sengal.

...=|......

Today i know a few things:

- i'm a wacky...(this is due to a quiz i took just now, almost each answer i chose, they said i'm a wacky)
- the japanese video 'bincocular football' masih boleh buat aku ketawa terbahak2 walaupun dah tgk berulang2 kali
- i learned which one is 'izhar halqi' from the quran..before this, i only knw how to read it, but i didnt know the name
- org cina kalau mengandung tak boleh ketuk paku @ dengar paku diketuk..they believed that the child will be dumb.
- i'm getting thinner..(someone said tht aku susut and less chubby now)..honestly, aku pn rasa aku makin kurus..nape ntah...tertekan ke?
- skype tak charge aku time call kamarul tadi..selalunye dia charge.
- just today i realized that.. i'm lonely..no matter how many people there are around me..
- i learned how to draw 'seni lukisan'.. ;i need to close my eyes for 5 mins, and think about my memories, or my life, or my dreams...n then, open my eyes, and draw straightaway..then, i need to describe my drawing,,if i can describe it, then it means aku dh berjaya :)


Currents;
current song : Di Persimpangan Dilema - Nora
current time: 0233
current temperature: not sure, but im sure it's damn cold
current location: my room
current mood: empty..tired..sleepy..
current wants: a flight ticket to Malaysia
current wish: i wish for success, i wish for love..and i wish i'm in Malaysia, meeting with the people i've been missing so very much, i wish i have a time machine that could turn back time or make the time faster and change something, i wish i have a lot of money and a lot of time so i can get a flight ticket whenever i want to, i wish i'm feeling warm right now both my physical and my heart, i wish the world is peaceful and safe for us to live in, no political issues, no global issues, no 'power' issues, i wish everyone is happy, i wish all my wishes will come true...



- kinashita -

early morning, stressed, and tension

Today i know a few things:

- aku ni lebih malas dari yg aku sangka
- facebook can make someone famous.. and i dont like to be famous
- aku dah start fed-up..bila pikir psl kerja je, dh rasa nk muntah.
- merah+biru oil paint, resultnya tak sama dgn merah+biru acrylic. result merah+biru oil paint kurang memuaskan.
- Jalan Tunku Abdul Rahman time musim2 raya ada banyak jual tudung. (balik malaysia nnt aku nk pegi!)
- pakcik Taruddin, bapak Siti Nurhaliza dah meninggal sbb sakit jantung
- Loga, penyanyi Alleycats pun dah meninggal tahun 2007 dulu.
- sorg lg penyanyi Alleycats (lupa nama dia apa) dh dpt Datuk. i'm happy for him.
- aku masih simpan lg offer letter anniesland college..aku ingtkn aku dh terbuang.. sebaik..

winter buzz

This week, is the coldest week in Britain since 1995.
but thankfully, tak seteruk masa 1995 (masa tu suhu -27C!)
Ibu was here during tht time, and she said not a single human in Glasgow went out from their houses, except her..and she wondered 'where's everyone?' hah, everyone was hibernating in their homes beside the heaters.
Now, Europe dilanda ribut salji yg teruk, sampai airport London kena tutup, jalan byk tutup, sekolah pun tutup (unfortunately, the schools in Glasgow are still on).
Although the snow has been falling since last Monday, aku still takde chance nak main snow kat luar.. :(

OK, takleh tulis pnjang2
nk kena tido..
dah
bye

Today, I know a few things

It's nearly 2am..I decided not to sleep yet..
coz each time I lay on my bed, my mind flew away...
thinking of so many things..
and, tonight, i dont want to think too much..i'm too tired for that


Today, I know a few things;
- I have a true friend... I havent noticed that until today..Thank you :)
- aku tak la seteruk yg aku sangka
- for the 1st time, I began to question my heart...am I strong enough to face all these from time to time? I havent found the answer yet..

and some other things that I dont want to mention.
However, I'm so thankful and relieved, for some reason.

Can't believe it's February already. I can't wait to go home, it has been like more than 4 years, and this is the 1st time i'm coming back to Malaysia; meeting with the people I've been missing so much, and the food I have been dreaming of all these years, it's going to be like a dream :)
Just a few months left Sakinah, be patient..ok?
ok, sabar2.

It's nearly 2am..I decided not to sleep yet..
coz each time I lie on my bed, my mind flew away...
thinking of so many things..
and, tonight, i decided not to think..i'm afraid, my thoughts would affect my heart...

So, i watched a few movies today..
'Get Smart', 'Witch Yoo-Hee', 'Hana Yori Dango movie', 'Someone Special'
Erm, yeah, most of them are love stories, even 'Get Smart' has its lovey part..
Come to think of it, is life is like a movie? being so easy to get what u want; either money, or love, or status or power or all of them,, being so perfect, extremely pretty, strong, tough, rich, and well-mannered,, being loved by someone who's filthy rich, good-looking, perfect, and gentle...NO. Movies are just made-up stories made by someone who's imagining a perfect-story-life. That's all. Movies are just imagined stories.

So, life is not like the ones in the movies. We're not as perfect as the movie characters. Yes, my life is not that perfect either; I only have a few space, I'm not that rich, I'm not that pretty, and I'm not that well-mannered too..
But each time I watched a movie, and the ending was like 'happily ever after' or 'yeahh finally I succeeded' or 'yeah finally we got to love each other'.....I wish I was the character..as I'd already know what the ending is..
How good would it be if I could see what's coming ahead, so that I could prepare myself to face it.