This is just a little diary of mine :) Welcome.

Daisypath Graduation tickers

Saturday, 27 March 2010

I am now a lady. haha

Some changes happened inside me I realise.. a different feeling..Each time I look at my pregnant friends, and see their babies, and when I look at the image of a baby in a mother's womb, I feel like I can't wait to have a baby too, I want to get pregnant too..I didn't realise when this happened, but I'm sure it's been quite some time but I kept it to myself, afraid of what people might gonna say. I think it's normal for a woman to have this feeling, since before this, I would have gotten really scared each time I think about pregnancy and delivering babies, but now I've changed..maybe because I've grown up to be a 'lady' now, jadi ciri2 wanita dah ada? hahaha..

But Jiha is with me, she cant wait to have babies too, so I'm not alone :)

Thursday, 18 March 2010

It's my dream..

I cannot sleep. Been thinking about my future.
I phoned UTP yesterday, they said they cannot use my A level results for their Foundation course. I have O levels too, but they said my Olevel results is already basi (2006), they want the recent ones like last year or something. They can only offer me their Bachelors IT course. I dont want IT. I want Geoscience.
And so I ask him can I go to other uni to do Foundation and come back to you for a degree next year? He said yes. He suggested Uniten, MMU etc. And then I smiled. There's still hope.
I was just about to phone MMU (I've browsed through their website and I have fulfilled the criteria to apply for foundation), but then ibu said something that I couldn't quite remember what, but it was something that really really disappoint me.
Aku tak jadi call MMU, tak jadi call UNITEN. tak jadi buat apa2. my head went blank, I didn't say a single word. Rasa mcm nk menangis tp aku tahan.
Finally I said to ibu, 'takpelah, buat art aje kat UiTM. Ina buat Textile'. I went straight to the computer and type a letter. Aku dah malas nak fikir. Since dulu, since I was in school in UK, when people ask what do you wanna be? I said 'I wanna be a Geologist' I said the same thing to ibu, 'Ina nak jadi Geologist' she said 'Nak jadi Geologist, jadilah' But when it came to 6th year when I was about to finish school, I wanted to apply for a degree in Earth Science at Glasgow University, ibu tak bagi, she told me to do arts in college. It was really hard to let go something that I really wanna do. That was the first time I let it go.
Then, I thought UTP is my second chance, but the same thing happend again. And so I'm giving up. I don't want to argue with her, I'm not good at arguing because I'm no good at talking, so there's no use, ibu will always win. In fact she's my mum, maybe she knows better than I do?
Last night when I think back, I could no longer hold my emotions. I cried until morning. I'm letting it go again..

Tuesday, 16 March 2010


Not being able to sleep, not being able to eat, not being able to talk..not being able to do a single thing! Waiting for their answer is so hard for me.. it has been my num 1 ambition since 5 years ago, it is my dream to do geoscience.. I really hope it's going to be a good news today.

I've prayed, doa, did solat hajat, solat sunat, solat dhuha, zikir, and nazar.. but I still feel like it's not enough..
Now I shall tawakkal and leave everything to Allah..
Whatever the answer is, whether it's a 'yes' or 'no', I will accept with an open heart.
Let's pray for the best
Controlling myself from bad thoughts and assumptions is not easy.
Been thinking too much, worrying too much, they make me hard to sleep.