no one knows

I'm hungry. I'm sleepy. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm dissapointed. I'm crying. I'm .........stupid.

............. I'm stupid.

I am currently in the middle of 1st semester break. I still have about 3weeks++ holiday.
Saya suka holiday, boleh relaks dan tidur ikut suka hati bila2 masa.. bila class dah mula, there wud b no way i can enjoy myself anymore; busy tahap gaban, dan tension sampai boleh terkeluar biji mata ni. Tapi alhamdulillah, all my hard work and tension2 saya sem lepas dah terbalas.. my results were good, I got a dean list..yey! syukur2..boleh jd pembakar semangat saya utk buat yg lebih baik semester depan. semua subject yg sy suffered buat separuh mati dapat A, dan semua subject yg sy tak berapa ambik kisah dpt B. haha.. adil la kan?


Currently I am working on drawing commissions.. helping ayah with his new shop.. accompanying embah at home.. and...sleeping..

Yesterday I reapired Ibu's long dress that she bought when she was doing her degree in the UK. It's a nice summer dress, it's red, kinda sexy, got flower patterns all over it, and it fits me well..but it's a bit old, got holes here and there, the threads are old so I re-sewn some of it.
I really want to wear it someday, but dont know when and where..

Skin Treatment

Its been a while since the last time I had my skin treatment. Tonight I did it myself using an egg; white egg and the yolk. I influenced my roomates, Syakira and Faten to do it as well, and so they did it :)

White egg and facial tissues are used to pull off all your whiteheads and blackheads. They act like the blackhead-remover plaster that they sell in Watsons, Guardian etc. But this one is a natural one to use.
After they dried (it takes abt 40mins-1hr to dry), and you've removed the tissue and washed your face, you'll find your skin becomes a bit dry and rough. So, put on the yolk all over your face to get it moistured and your skin will be as smooth and as soft as silk, insyaAllah.

I've been using this 'petua' since I came back to Malaysia, I had to take extra care for my skin because the weather in Malaysia is hot and humid, and that makes my skin oily. Bila skin oily, kulit jadi tak bersih, jerawat pun naik etc.

Okay, kepada yg berminat nak mencuba tu, selamat mencuba!

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I have been abandoning you for ages already. But tonight I might just gonna get a few updates here since Syafiq said my blog is very quiet and no updates, plus I cant sleep, it's already abt 3am.

I am currently in the middle of exam week. All of my projects were already assessed, so I'm just gonna wait for my 1st paper on Sunday, the paper is about Anthropology, somethin to do with cultures, men, societies from around the world, it's kinda okay to me, well sometimes a bit boring. My next paper is on the 8th, Art History; I kinda love this one, maybe because of the lecturer and the knowledge. I got to learn arts from the pre-history until today, including Egyptian Art, Roman architecture, Renaissance paintings, Islamic art etc.

I dont know if it's okay to say this, but I kinda miss Glasgow sometimes, and I also miss Mr Coyle. I miss his support, and the way he developed me to be a good artist. I studied with him since I was 14 up till I finished school, he's the best teacher I ever had (I told him this on Teachers Day and he said 'you're sweet'). Well I dont know whether I can tell this or I should just keep it to myself coz it might gonna sound a bit rude to some people, but I think if he's here, he might be able to develop us, art students, to be more independent, more creative, more developed, and more confident with ourselves. I dont mean that the teachers/lecturers here are not as good, but maybe they need to change the syllabus, the system, and the mentality, because here the students are pressured with massive projects, and each projects carries their marks and are going to be summed up at the end of each semester. Can you Imagine I have 9 subjects this semester, and only 3s are theories and the rest are project works. I got new projects Every Week for each of the 6 practical classes, and I had to work like hell every week to produce the best projects for each subject in order to get high marks, otherwise at the end of the semester, I would screw my points. Isn't that pressuring? What if the lecturer is stingy and doesnt want to give you high marks no matter how hard you put your effort in? doesnt that make you feel kinda stressed out, fed-up, and giving-up? coz i have one lecturer yg mcm ni. sakit hati.

(ohh it's raining outside, I love when it rains)

I dont have much friends here, dont even know how to make friends, coz I cant really get along with most of them. I even fight with some of the boys. The girls? we don't talk that much. The ones I can get along with are just my roomates and some of the photography and graphic students. And Syafiq is still my loyal bestfriend, he's the one I can talk to and tell everything to, I can tell him what im unhappy about, my problems, when I got mad with my work, he even solved my fight with those boys. haha.. he's the best hero ever. I dont know what would happen if he's not here.

I havent practiced english speaking for a while coz everyone talks in Malay even the lecturers. I dunno whether my english is still good?

I'd better go hit the sack, nite2.

my happy times and unhappy times

I feel very happy when:

- I finish my assignments on time
- it's sunny when I'm abt to dry my laundry
- I have cold drinks during a hot day
- I give presents to someone
- I speed on the road
- I score high marks on my works
- eating kfc chicken
- it's raining when I'm sleeping
- it's Saturday


I feel very unhappy when:

- I have to walk by foot from college to my faculty everyday when it's burning outside.
- my lecturers give massive amount of assignments and projects
- I'm hungry, and dont have any food and no one willing to accompany me to go to buy some food at seksyen2.
- I dont hve any choice but to use the toilets in my faculty, they really need to upgrade the toilets!
- I have to go to calligraphy class from 5-8pm every Thursday. It's my resting time, not study time.
- my maxis broadband has connection problems.
- it's Wednesday.

I have communicating problems. this still has not been solved. help me..

I found these winter photos in abang's computer, they were taken in November 2008. I think they're nice to be shared, and it reminds me how gloomy winter can be.

a rose covered with snow

a frozen spider-web

ibu in gloomy Queen's Park

feeding the ducks.. I pity them they must be cold, they don't have jackets

I can imagine how freakin COLD this is

frozen puddle that turned into ice pieces

the frozen puddle

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I made fish fillet, baked potatoes with some vegetables for lunch today. It's an easy cooking and inexpensive too. I made for 2, coz I thought abg might want to have some. But he went to his friend's wedding ceremony, so I ended up eating alone. Chitam came to accompany me.

It's raining very heavily at the moment, rough wind with the familiar sound it makes when it's windy in Glasgow :) I miss...

Raspberry cheesecake I made last 2 days

I really can't wait to start uni. Staying at home, sleeping and eating all day, I really need to get a life.

Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day tomorrow. I sent a message to ibu, wishing her Happy Mother's Day and told her what a great mother she is, and let her know that we love her so much. The message was not not long, just a few lines, but I shed tears as I wrote it (I can cry very2 easily if it's about ibu honestly)
I had been a bad daughter, I got angry and upset with her sometimes, but I never told her any of that, I usually keep them to myself or I would tell Raihan when I could no longer hold. I had been kinda selfish when sometimes I thought that Ibu doesn't loves me the way she loves Raihan or Abg. That's a very childish and selfish thought. She had sacrificed so much for me, she had spent a lot of her money to pay my college fees, she got really worried when I had a bad fever last winter, she always reminds me to drink plenty of water because she's worried if I ever get dehydrated, she woke up from her sleep and took care of me when I had my period pain, she taught me how to cook, she taught me how to take care of the house, she brought me to stay in the UK with her and sent me to school over there, she taught me when I had problems with maths, she taught me how to read the Qur'an, she has done so much for me and those are priceless.
I'm feeling guilty for the negative thoughts I had for her, she is my mum and she had taken care of me since I was born, and her love is endless.
I miss her, and I miss ayah also.



p/s Happy Mother's Day to Chitam as well, she has been the best mother-cat in the whole world!

a few updates

Latest updates:

My exhibition at LA Bartenders in Glasgow last week went well, although we got a little panic a few days before it was held..alhamdulillah. Probably I'm gonna sell one painting to someone, I still have to wait for a confirmation from Ian. That was my 10th exhibition if I'm not mistaken. Fostering Art will be hooking up with the Shooting Gallery and the street art Recoat Gallery on the 22nd April for an auction.

Last year me and Ian were planning to have my solo exhibition in the summer this year. We are still planning, Ian still has to find a venue for me, and I am still working on a few paintings. I am pulling out my best to produce the best paintings I could do. I would be very3 much happy if this plan works, because currently Syafiq is in Nottingham until end of June. If it works, then I can go back to Glasgow, and meet him. We met for the 1st time in Glasgow 1 year ago during summer, which was around this time, so if we're going to meet again in the summer, wouldn't that be sweet? :)

We went to UiTM Shah Alam last Friday to go to the registry office since we hadn't received any news from them, except "kami belum terima lagi surat permohonan cik" padahal dah hantar sebulan yg lepas. Dipendekkan cerita, after we met the officer and discussed, the officer told me to go for an interview on the next day (I was totally unprepared for any interviews! surat beranak pun tak bawak) But thankfully, the interview went good, alhamdulillah.. Now I only have to wait for an offer letter. I applied for a degree in Textile Design. They also told me that I can apply for a minor course, and I think I'm gonna take Painting/Fine Art as my minor subject. I wonder if that's like a double degree?

Ibu already bought a flight ticket from Singapore to Glasgow. Her flight is next week on the 26th April. She's going to have her PhD viva soon. Let's pray for her best :)And then she'll be coming home with ayah in June.

Thanks to Alyssa Monks for inspiring me to be a hard-working painter. I envy her paintings.

Cheers!

my blog

My blog is so quiet and boring, no accessories, no cantik2, no pictures even.
I wish I could hire someone (aka an assistant) to decorate my blog, or perhaps do another website for my artworks. All my artists friends have their own websites with their CVs stated on (even on their facebook) except me. I'm so lazy.

I am now a lady. haha

Some changes happened inside me I realise.. a different feeling..Each time I look at my pregnant friends, and see their babies, and when I look at the image of a baby in a mother's womb, I feel like I can't wait to have a baby too, I want to get pregnant too..I didn't realise when this happened, but I'm sure it's been quite some time but I kept it to myself, afraid of what people might gonna say. I think it's normal for a woman to have this feeling, since before this, I would have gotten really scared each time I think about pregnancy and delivering babies, but now I've changed..maybe because I've grown up to be a 'lady' now, jadi ciri2 wanita dah ada? hahaha..

But Jiha is with me, she cant wait to have babies too, so I'm not alone :)

It's my dream..

I cannot sleep. Been thinking about my future.
I phoned UTP yesterday, they said they cannot use my A level results for their Foundation course. I have O levels too, but they said my Olevel results is already basi (2006), they want the recent ones like last year or something. They can only offer me their Bachelors IT course. I dont want IT. I want Geoscience.
And so I ask him can I go to other uni to do Foundation and come back to you for a degree next year? He said yes. He suggested Uniten, MMU etc. And then I smiled. There's still hope.
I was just about to phone MMU (I've browsed through their website and I have fulfilled the criteria to apply for foundation), but then ibu said something that I couldn't quite remember what, but it was something that really really disappoint me.
Aku tak jadi call MMU, tak jadi call UNITEN. tak jadi buat apa2. my head went blank, I didn't say a single word. Rasa mcm nk menangis tp aku tahan.
Finally I said to ibu, 'takpelah, buat art aje kat UiTM. Ina buat Textile'. I went straight to the computer and type a letter. Aku dah malas nak fikir. Since dulu, since I was in school in UK, when people ask what do you wanna be? I said 'I wanna be a Geologist' I said the same thing to ibu, 'Ina nak jadi Geologist' she said 'Nak jadi Geologist, jadilah' But when it came to 6th year when I was about to finish school, I wanted to apply for a degree in Earth Science at Glasgow University, ibu tak bagi, she told me to do arts in college. It was really hard to let go something that I really wanna do. That was the first time I let it go.
Then, I thought UTP is my second chance, but the same thing happend again. And so I'm giving up. I don't want to argue with her, I'm not good at arguing because I'm no good at talking, so there's no use, ibu will always win. In fact she's my mum, maybe she knows better than I do?
Last night when I think back, I could no longer hold my emotions. I cried until morning. I'm letting it go again..

waiting..

Not being able to sleep, not being able to eat, not being able to talk..not being able to do a single thing! Waiting for their answer is so hard for me.. it has been my num 1 ambition since 5 years ago, it is my dream to do geoscience.. I really hope it's going to be a good news today.

I've prayed, doa, did solat hajat, solat sunat, solat dhuha, zikir, and nazar.. but I still feel like it's not enough..
Now I shall tawakkal and leave everything to Allah..
Whatever the answer is, whether it's a 'yes' or 'no', I will accept with an open heart.
Let's pray for the best

Controlling myself from bad thoughts and assumptions is not easy.
Been thinking too much, worrying too much, they make me hard to sleep.

clumsy

I feel like crying. I hate being clumsy.

Before you speak, listen. Before you write, think. Before you spend, earn. Before you invest, investigate. Before you criticize, wait. Before you pray, forgive. Before you quit, try. Before you retire, save. Before you die, give. (William A. Ward)

Within 3 months:
Embah's bags were stolen by some Indian guy, and she lost RM1000
Ibu's purse was stolen, it happened in UTM.
One week after that, someone stole my mobile phone at KTM.

why is my country becoming such a dangerous place nowadays?

Feel fulfilled in what you do...Don't think that a lot of money or fine clothes-the finer things of life-would make you happy. The concept of happiness is to be fulfilled in a spiritual sense.